Visiting Someone in Aged Care: Questions That Light Them Up

A note from Alice: This week, I’m handing my blog over to someone with far better stories than me. She’s 77, she lives in aged care, and when she starts talking about her life, you don’t want her to stop. These are her words.

Let me tell you something about getting old. Your body gives up long before your mind does.

My legs don’t work like they used to. That’s the illness. But my brain is as sharp as anything.

I read a book every single day. I do my exercises in my armchair every morning, because I am not giving up my independence without a fight. The carers and the nurses here are lovely. Really lovely. They’d do anything for you.

My son comes once a week.

And the rest of the time, it’s mostly me, my books, and the four walls.

I Was Wild

You wouldn’t know it to look at me now, but I was wild.

I was a dancer. A party girl. If there was music somewhere, I found it. If there was a party, I was usually the last to leave. I loved getting dressed up, I loved a crowd, and I loved being the one making everyone laugh.

I married young. Too young, probably. And then along came my first daughter.

Not Your Usual Mum

I’ll be honest with you. I didn’t take to settling down.

I still wanted to entertain. I still wanted to go out. So I took my children with me. Everywhere. I dressed them in the finest clothes I could find, and off we went. Other mums stayed home. Mine came along for the ride.

I wasn’t always the best mum. I know that. I made mistakes, and I have regrets, more than I’d like. But I loved them. And I loved to have fun. I wanted them to know that life could be fun.

Life Is Short

If my granddaughters remember one thing I’ve said, I hope it’s this.

Life is short. You have to live it.

Don’t wait for the perfect time. Wear the nice dress. Go to the party. Dance, even if you’re terrible at it. Say yes more than you say no. And love your people, even when they drive you mad, because one day they’ll be all you’ve got.

Mine are all I’ve got now. And so many of them live overseas. That’s the hard part. You can’t just pop round for a cup of tea when there’s an ocean in the way.

When the Girls Come to Visit

When my granddaughters come, I come alive again.

I tell them about the dancing. The parties. The dresses. The time I did this, and the night I did that. Some of it makes them laugh. Some of it makes their eyes go very wide.

For a little while, I’m not a woman in an armchair with legs that won’t work. I’m twenty again, and the music’s playing.

Then they go home, and the room goes quiet. But I hold on to it. Sometimes for days.

So if you know someone like me, come and see us. Ask us about the old days. We’ve got stories you wouldn’t believe. And we love nothing more than someone who wants to hear them.

What Alice Learned: Why a Visit Matters So Much

Listening to her, I wanted to understand why those visits light her up the way they do. So I looked into it.

Loneliness in aged care is incredibly common. A review of research from care homes found that around 61% of residents experienced moderate loneliness, and around 35% experienced severe loneliness. Being surrounded by kind staff isn’t the same as being surrounded by the people who know your story.

Remembering helps. A major Cochrane review found that reminiscence work can improve quality of life, communication and possibly mood for people living with dementia, with the benefits seen most often in care homes. The researchers suggested it may help people hold on to their sense of who they are after leaving their familiar surroundings. A large 2024 review of reminiscence and life review in adults over 60 also found a strong effect on depression straight after the sessions.

What I saw with my own eyes was simpler. Even a few minutes of remembering the happy times changed her whole face. She sat up straighter. She laughed more. She was herself.

And I noticed something else. She wasn’t just remembering. She was passing something on. Every story came with a lesson, usually wrapped up in a laugh.

Five Questions to Ask Someone in Aged Care

She told me the best visits are the ones where someone asks about the old days. Here are five to start with:

What was the best night out you ever had?
What did you wear to feel your most glamorous?
What did you teach your children that you’re proud of?
What do you want your grandchildren to know about living life?
What would you do again tomorrow if you could?

Want more questions like these? Email hello@frombeyond.co with “Life story questions” in the subject line, and we’ll send you our free question pack, The Questions We Never Asked. We’ll only use your email address to send it.

Keep Their Stories Close, Even From Far Away

So much of her family lives overseas, and that’s true for so many people in aged care.

That’s part of why we built FromBeyond.co. With Nex gently asking the questions, she can record her stories in her own words, at her own pace. Then her family can watch them wherever they are in the world, and keep them forever.

Her stories don’t have to wait for the next visit. And they don’t have to disappear.

And if you can’t visit as often as you’d like, one question on the phone counts too.

Who in your life is waiting for someone to ask about the old days?

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Alice Footer, Co-Founder of FromBeyond.co

FromBeyond.co helps families ask the questions that matter, and keep the answers forever, in the voices they love.

Life Is Short. You Have to Live It.